Polyamory

Q: What is Polyamory?
A: The word “polyamory” is based on the Greek and Latin for “many loves.” A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship that involves more than two people.

Q: So Polyamory is Swinging?
A: Not exactly. Swinging has a different focus. Swingers focus on recreational sex, though friendships and deeper bonds may develop. With polyamory, deep relationships are the focus, though the sex is often fun.

Q: So Polyamory = Open Relationships?
A: Yes and No. For some, polyamory means having an open relationship, and the partners can date, or have sex with, whomever they wish. However, for others, polyamory is a closed relationship. Meaning that for those that are together there is no sex with anyone outside the relationship.

Q: But isn’t that cheating?
A: No. Cheating means fraud, deceit, treachery – a breaking of the agreed upon terms of a pre-established relationship. What this boils down to with polyamory is that polyamorous people do not tell partners, lovers, or prospective members of those groups that they are monogamous when in fact they are not at that given time.

Q: But if you love someone why do you need anyone else?
A: Needing or wanting only one love is a a common idea, but it doesn’t really hold up in practice for all people.

Many people believe that a person who has multiple loves can’t give their “whole heart” to any person. The belief goes that if you love one person, you can express your love wholeheartedly, but if you love multiple people, your love is divided up and is therefore not as deep. This is based on the “starvation model” of love – that is, you only have a limited amount of love, and if you give your love to one person, there is none left to give to anyone else – so if you fall in love with another person, you have to “pay” for it by withdrawing your love from the first person.

Love is not the same thing as money. With money, you have only a limited amount to spend, and when you give it to one person you have less left to give to another. But love behaves in wonderful and unpredictable and counterintuitive ways. When you love more than one person, you soon realize that the more love you give away, the more love you have to give. Yes, you can give your whole heart to more than one person, and when you do, you realize it’s the most beautiful feeling in all the world.

Don’t think of the contents of your heart the way you think of the contents of your wallet; it’s very demeaning and it doesn’t work like that.

Q: If someone is sleeping with someone else, does that mean that the other person is inadequate?
A: It’s not about adequacy. Many people are brought up to believe that if you’re interested in sleeping with someone else, it’s because your partner isn’t enough for you. It’s a myth that’s as common and enduring – and as false – as the idea of Santa Claus. Human beings don’t work that way; we aren’t designed so that when we fall in love, the part of our brain that makes us attracted to other people magically shuts off.

Q: Why isn’t one person enough?
A: What would you say if you had a child, and you decided you wanted a second child, and your first child said “But why am I not enough?” The question itself doesn’t really make sense, once you understand that it isn’t about what’s “enough.”

Q: So why don’t people want monogamy?
A: For those whose relationship inclinations lean toward polyamory, a poly relationship offers more. When you have more than two people involved in your relationship, it offers you resources and perspectives that you don’t have in a monogamous relationship. If one person is feeling down, or has a problem, that person has two, or more, people to turn to for support. With more eyes on a relationship problem or a problem at work or whatever, sometimes the solution is easier to find.

Q: So are all polyamorous people kinky / into three ways / etc?
A: No. Being poly doesn’t necessarily make you kinky. Nor does it mean that you’re into orgies, or that you’re promiscuous, or that you want to boink everyone you meet.

Q: No-one can be Monogamous and Polyamorous, right?
A: Not necessarily. Some people can be Monogamous or polyamorous depending on the acceptance level of their partners. They might feel that while they’d rather be polyamorous, they have no problem remaining Monogamous in their relationship. For others, they are polyamorous and can be nothing other then polyamorous – any attempt to force them to be Monogamous (by themselves or their partner) usually ends in disaster.

Q: What does Polyamory mean in today’s society?
A: This question is nearly impossible to answer as polyamory means many different things to many different people. Polyamory / Polyamorous is often used as a descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship, even if they are not currently involved in more than one at that given time. Some people think the definition is a bit loose, but it’s got to be fairly roomy to fit the wide range of polyamorous arrangements out there. Further, there are some commonly held, often accepted, truths for polyamorous people listed below.

1. Polyamory means that the person who defines themselves by it is capable of having multiple (more then one) serious partners in regards to being boyfriend / girlfriend.
2. Polyamory does not just mean “sex with more then one person” – it’s an emotional bond just as important as with anyone you might date seriously. Emotional attachment to partners within a polyamorous relationship is often far greater in importance then the sexual interactions.
3. Polyamorous partners never hide the partners from one another, and all partners know about each other and often date one another as well.
4. There is no rule to go further, or do anything other then what everyone in the relationship is comfortable with.
5. The relationship runs on very very open communication about all points to all partners.
6. All partners are honest to one another about all things.
7. There is no hypocrisy, all rules apply to all partners and are decided by all partners.

Q: Do Polyamorous relationships really last?
A: Some do, some don’t, just like any other kind of relationship. Some folks who are polyamorous have been together for many years; some own houses and have children together. Being polyamorous is no guarantee that relationships will be easier, though there can be advantages to shared joys and shared sorrows, as the old saying goes. Relationship duration in everything from friendship to husband/wife is, as always, dependant upon the people – everything else is hogwash.

Q: How do I know if I am Polyamorous?
A: Honestly, only you will know. I do not believe that everyone is capable of being polyamorous. If you aren’t sure you’re poly, the best practice is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly to the best of your ability as you learn. Which, of course, is the best practice for polyamorous people also.

Further, being polyamorous is not inherently “better” than being monogamous, so there’s no need to feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that. Just to ask questions, be honest, and be open.

Q: Since Polyamory is so vast and moldable, what do you feel about all of it? What is your personal comfort zones?
A: Ah, this is the important part! As said, polyamory is vast, it’s very very vast! People can, and do, pick and choose levels of comfort for themselves, and yet it’s all still called polyamory. One needs to discuss with partners what they are / are not comfortable with. Well here, I have done 1/2 the work and given you what I am comfortable with below! Hence, here is my personal set of polyamorous truths.

1. Polyamory means that the person who defines themselves by it is capable of having multiple (more then one) serious partners in regards to being boyfriend / girlfriend.
2. Polyamory does not just mean “sex with more then one person” – it’s an emotional bond just as important as with anyone you might date seriously. Emotional attachment to partners within a polyamorous relationship is often far greater in importance then the sexual interactions.
3. Polyamorous partners never hide the partners from one another, and all partners know about each other and often date one another as well.
4. There is no rule to go further, or do anything other then what everyone in the relationship is comfortable with.
5. The relationship runs on very very open communication about all points to all partners.
6. All partners are honest to one another about all things.
7. There is no hypocrisy, all rules apply to all partners and are decided by all partners.
8. Polyamory is an option within a relationship, and I am wholly comfortable being in a strictly 1-on-1 Monogamous relationship.
9. I prefer closed polyamorous relationships to open ones.
10. Developing a comfort level for polyamory does not need to be immediate or required with anyone I date.
11. Anything that is offered to one couple must be open to all to be able to come if they wish (save very rare solo events and outings). Hence, no frequent “two people running off leaving the rest out of a situation intentionally.” There are many moments when alone-time with a partner is preferred, but excluding partners is not something I am comfortable with on either end.

Q: Have you ever had a polyamorous relationship / how did it go?
A: Yes, and I would say it was successful as a relationship – without question. They were beautiful men and I cherish them for the time we shared together.